This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
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DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
selena gomez
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.