Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
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The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.