Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
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[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?