When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
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(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
🍞🦆
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.