I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
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coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Welcome to the stomach
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Expect the unexporcupine.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.