It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
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I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.