It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
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me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
The news
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.