People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
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an airline just for babies.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.