If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
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Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.