Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
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Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
i now pronounce you bounced.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”