Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
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Looking at you, Jesus.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall