Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
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I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Cndnsd Mlk
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy