hamburger doesn’t need your help.
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Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
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5.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.