Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
You Might Also Like
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
A French press is when you hug naked
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*