Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
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Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.