men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
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bears
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey