Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
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Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.