my dad when a sex scene comes on
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Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
i’m still crying at this
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.