You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
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She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
How times have changed.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Mouse
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Thanks to a fan for this one!