I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
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-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Wednesday
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.