When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
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Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
the icebreaker
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Have a lovely day 😊
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean