*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
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Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Mmmm. Shoeshi
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much