Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
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My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
can you read it!!??
maan!
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby