One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
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Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Bread puns are on the rise!
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
I’m putting together a team