Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
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Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…