Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
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Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.