cushion on the right slightly discoloured
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Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer