“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
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I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him