someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
You Might Also Like
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
I hope Alan is OK
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
The booster protects against what, now?
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery