The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
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eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Discuss
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.