Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
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“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.