Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
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Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
what kind of cook setting is this??
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.