Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
You Might Also Like
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.