boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
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Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
just pretend nothing happened
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Muppet Screams
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”