My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
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Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
me after eating Cheetos
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.