God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
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Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Sharon, call the vet