God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
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My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.