A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
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When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper