JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
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*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
The “research” scene in every horror movie
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Money is the root of all wealth
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?