Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
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If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
doing some research
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Was it something I said?
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder