[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
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flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Ken is short for chicken
I love it all
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.