My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
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*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
🐕🍷
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!