*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
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[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
2022 will be better than 2021
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.