doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
You Might Also Like
Practicing safe sax
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Was it something I said?
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality