murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
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Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.