Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
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Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.