[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
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A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage