Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
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My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.