*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
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[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
There is wisdom there.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
I finally found a reason to live again.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?