If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
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*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
I am patiently waiting for your email
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.